maybe it will work this time

i am actually excited about the work.

OK, this is like grinning while doing my side planks at the gym.

but i am starting to really get into it. An hour with the writing clinic was helpful. I am definitely going to need more, and I actually have to write something to show. But the little tips and ideas and thinking strategies are helpful to keep the focus going.

and today i have a meeting with BW. more like a lunch. something to keep me on track about everything.

I need accountability and structure.

Learning is a bruital process. Especailly when you realize you are learning how to do something you are not exactly invested in doing well. But it is not the time to think about the other things I would rather be doing. I can do that next.

I need to remember that reading the Thesis' in the blue room at Robarts is a good way to get and stay motivated.

This is going to happen.

Next week, I will go into the hole. Days and nights at home. PJs, tea and writing. I MUST HAVE A DRAFT FOR NOVEMBER!!

MUST MUST MUST

(will)

*grin*

links for a change

i do not really believe in the kind of blogs where people posts links and photos that they receive as a part of email spam. however, i need to keep track of this gross and cool link.

dogs often seem like a good idea.

and then we are reminded that they might be kind of gross afterall.

dogs are gross

gold star day

saucy sent me a gold star. and i think i deserve one today. i worked out very hard. I have made a new friend. i am excited about writing. clearly these are good things.

Sunshine Daydream

wagamama

sunshine

downloading files.

what a good day.

intense work out. yummy muffin. good thoughts in my head.

today I will print, read, eat lunch with my dad and go to a film festival.

and the weekend, i feel the work coming. Lit review review, outline detail and first draft. Ten pagaes, 48 hours.

YAY.

different routine

writing in the social work building is new. not exactly good - but certainly quieter than construction central over at Spadina. that was a bit much this morning, so i opted to leave.

WIth a full belly of mercurio sandwich and cappucino - i am desperate for a nap.

The writing process took on a new shape today. I wrote in my big black book. One page per idea. One page to say the focus of the central arguement and the intension of the lit review.

I need to remain very focused and very centred on this work. My task for the weekend is to come up with my lit review annotated bibliography and fit the pieces into the article. I can be thinking both big and small and write longer things for the big paper and teeny summaries for the outline.

BW was more than helpful yesterday. I think we cleared the air, and are back on track. I was right to be so upset this summer. But i can move on now. This is a learning process and it is not very often that one is afforded such a flexible environment to learn and such an opportunity to learn about oneself and the challenges that we can respond to and cringe at.

Now that I have lived through my screwup - i can move forward. now that i know the work is just long, not hard, i can get it done. this is not very hard. it is just time consuming, and i have a short attention span. I think i have to knit something more complicated and that will help me focus. I am too undulgent in my instant gratification. This is going to take two years. One page a day.

famous people stalker

I knew that hours at the same, fancy coffee shop in the hip and fabulous meat smell district would finally pay off. Today, over a pumpkin muffin, a very huge latte and some company from my grumpy sister (bitter about a play production), I saw Atom Egoyan and Master T all within a few moments of each other. Clearly, they are famous, fortunately I did recognize them, and of course, being Canadian, i did nothing. well, blogging is not nothing.

I sense a shift in my career already. Star spotter. There has to be future here.

After my meeting today, there is a chance my future will head in a different direction.

Although the other meetings have been successful, supportive and not too shocking. Hopefully this one will be okay. I am of course feeling anxious. Yoga is bound to help with that.

In terms of preparation, i have a time line, a schedule, some tasks and the promise of a renewed sense of direction and purpose. Realizing that nothing is enough, i can maintain some boundaries, and go forward.

yikes. The whole thing is going to be hard, take a long time, and there is going to be some frustration along the way. yuck.

today i feel only slightly more ready. but slightly is more than none.

fake sister

this was not the day that my sister helped me to organize my thoughts and write out an easy outline for my proposal. this is the day that we ate grilled cheese sandwiches and chips and basked in the sunshine. a day of pretty hair, new lipstick and big lattes is often just as important as a day of theory comprehension.

boomtown monday

i am not really going to hate this monday. so far it is crisp and fresh and there has been pilates and an americano in my day.
the construction noise continues to delight my auditory experience and I am reminded why I am not delighting in working in the office.

but today, three pages into my outline, I must prepare for a meeting at the writing lab. hopefully she will be able to untangle my thoughts and bring me into focus. I am opptimistic. My current thinking revolves around how to make this process as simple and as clear as possible. Separating the needless discourse and controversy from the objectives and relevant information is my task now. I have my three body paragraphs, my grade ten engligh class outline and two books that are dedicated to helping me.

How can there be anything else?

Filling out the outline in 10 pages cannot be such a daunting task. Starting is the worst part and no amount of jouranling or getting psyched is going to make that any easier. it is really about starting and seeing where the process willtake me.

No need to be introspective as to why starting is so hard. Just start. even for five minutes. that kind of trickery seems to be what i need to do.

that and deadlines.

panic is a good motivator. well, it has been in the past. this week, panic is a great paralizer.

but it has to happen. I have been back in toronto almost a month. i have a head full of ideas, a belly full of crazy and a new addiction to sleep. funny how balance seems like something unobtainable. waaa. grrr. i struggle and I will achieve.

academic nightmares

yuck.

the work really has to start now. the reading part is over. the lovely thinking and lounging and dreaming part is over. now it is time to make the magic and write it all down.

i had a meeting with my advisor, and we made a plan. apparently my thoughts and arguments are not as clear on paper as they are in my journals. this has to change. with that in mind, i have booked appointments with the writing lab.

no more excuse, no more procrastincation. how incredibly scared am I?

so, my final diversions we with art and tonight with beer. I love the park gallery. i love drawings of squirrels, racoons and streetcars. and tonight i am going out with a friend to discuss the creepiness and facination with plasticized bodies. yay.

but today, i have my list, i have my deadlines, i have the panic to fuel me.

surely i can make this happen.

where have i been

too many days off from the writing routine. took a break to read philosphy and think about Derrida. tough to get focused when you have deconstruction on the brain. but i think the notion of writing versus talking might be something i can use in my theory section of the big paper i am thinking baout writing.

too much stuffing and thanksgiving yummies to neglect going to eh gym as well. that routine is working. only real glitch inthe system is the writing. this office now has construction going on across the street. and not that I dislike the sounds of building, i cannot tolerate the sounds of trucks backing up. i hate that noise. and it seems as if every new loft construction starts with incessant reverse.

might have to figure out other places to take my laptop. where there is internet, water and coffee close by and some quiet.

tried reading in a variety of places last week. robarts is not a good choice. hart house is lovely and has the toast smell, but the napping is too tempting. home is okay for theory, but really, public is a bit better. not sure how to deal with the lonesomeness. being without stimulation or conversation or reflection is not good for the creative flow.

likely the next few weeks and hopefully next few meetings will afford some chance for reflection and some changes and improvements to the routine.